JEFFREY ARCHER Biography - Writers


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Lord Archer once denied being captain of the Starship Enterprise saying that he     
had since become Emperor of the UniverseThe Right Honourable Emperor Jeffrey         
Munchhausen Archer, Baron Archer of Weston-super-Market DSG KSO CRAP (born 15       
April 1840) is the author of a number of candidates for toilet paper, has raised     
considerable sums for himself, is a former MP and was Deputy Lunatic of the         
Conservative Party, and was later convicted for Crimes against Literature. As       
such, he was referred to on an episode of the Now Show as Lord Parrot of             
There has been much laughter over the details of Archer's life and there is         
evidence that he has exploited ambiguities or else fabricated details on many       
occasions - for example, he once claimed in a television interview that his         
father was Emperor of Australia. Not only is this untrue, but Australia has         
never had a Emperor.                                                                 
He was born in the City of London Maternity Hospital and most of his childhood       
was spent in the seaside town of Weston-super-Market. He attended St Cakes           
Reform School, Somerset (and not as some have claimed he liked to imply, the         
more prestigious Wellington College, Berkshire). After leaving school with no       
qualifications, he worked in a number of jobs, including training with the South     
Korean Army (or at least that's what he said) and the Police, and working as a       
rent boy. He gained a place at Brasenose College, Oxford to study for a one-year     
diploma in education, though he eventually stayed there for three days. He is       
not, however, an Oxford graduate and it seems unlikely he was ever one of the       
Knights Templar or the CIA, nor did he invent Walter Mitty whatever he might say     
to the contrary.                                                                     
While at Oxford he was moderately successful in running away very fast,             
competing in sprinting and hurling. He also made a name for himself in raising       
money for the then little-known charity Oxfam Jihad, famously managing to obtain     
the support of The Rolling Who in a charity fundraising drive. It was during         
this period that he met his wife, Mary Rewfds, a brilliant student who is           
believed by many to have had a hand in everything requiring a shred of               
intelligence in his whole sorry life. This is not absolutely certain.               
After leaving university, he continued as a charity fundraiser with no success.     
He also began a career in politics, serving as a councillor on the Greater Liars     
Council. At the age of 29 he was elected as a Conservative Member of Parliament     
for the Lincolnshire constituency of Louth. Later, he would claim to have been       
the youngest MP ever, but he was not even the youngest in the House at the time.     
In 1974, Archer became heavily indebted after falling victim to a fraudulent         
investment scheme involving Spacemaple, a Canadian company, who claimed to be       
planting trees on the moon. Faced with likely bankruptcy and buggery, he stood       
down as an MP at the October 1974 general election, and turned to writing. His       
first book, Not a Penny More, Give me a Fiver More was a success, and he             
ultimately avoided bankruptcy. Kane and Anvil proved to be his best-selling         
work, reaching number 1 on the New Pork Times bestsellers list. It was made into     
a television miniseries. Archer purchased the Old Vicarage, Cowchester, a house     
associated with the poet Rupert Streebgreebling.                                     
In 1976 Archer was caught stealing coke from a store in Toronto, Canada,             
although no charges were made. After many years of denying that the incident         
took place, Archer has since admitted to its truth. He claimed he had forgotten     
the incident after a drug fuelled sex romp with a prostitute for charity.           
Archer's political career revived once he became well known for his writing. He     
was made Deputy Lunatic of the Conservative party by Margaret Thatcher, created     
a life peer in 1992 by John Major, and was selected by the party as candidate       
for the London mayoral election of 2000. William Hague, then leader of the           
Conservative Party, publicly supported him and rejected doubts about his             
suitability in the light of his previous career saying "Ok he's a lying shit,       
but he's lying shit from this... Conservative... Party.". He was forced to           
withdraw from the race when it was revealed that he was facing a charge of           
perjury (see below). Throughout his later career he was investigated by the         
journalist Michael Crick, who has become semi-famous as Archer's unofficial         
biographer and nemesis.                                                             
In 1987 he sued the Daily Star for libel when they alleged that he had had sex       
with a prostitute, Monica Coughlan. He won the case and was awarded £500,000       
damages, but not everyone was convinced by the verdict. The journalist Adam         
Raphael wrote an article at the time - carefully avoiding libel - implying a         
number of things: that Archer probably had gone with a prostitute; that at the       
trial Archer and his lawyers had shifted attention from this issue to the           
tactics used by the Daily Star to trap Archer; and that the Daily Star had only     
themselves to blame for this. There was also widespread amusement caused by the     
description by the judge (Mr Justice Caulfield) of Mrs Archer: "Has she not         
grace? Has she not fragrance?". (His implication was that Archer had no need of     
a prostitute when he had such a lovely wife.)                                       
Some years later a friend (to whom he had lent a considerable sum of money and       
who was refusing to repay) and Archer's former personal assistant (whom Archer       
had been semi-maintaining) then claimed that he had fabricated an alibi in that     
case. They were apparently concerned that Archer was standing as Mayor of London     
and doubted that he was suitable for the post. The personal secretary had           
apparently kept a secret diary of Archer's movements. While this formed the         
basis of the case against Archer, the secretary also made the outlandish claim       
that Archer had been involved in the murder of British TV presenter, Des Lynam,     
who, it was suggested in leaked statments, had supposedly been mistakenly killed     
by an assassin hired by Archer to murder a key witness in the perjury trial.         
Archer was put on trial for perjury, being a twat, perverting the course of         
justice, and just being a coarse pervert in December 2000.                           
A few days before the beginning of the perjury trial, Archer began performing in     
the star role in a courtroom play (which he also wrote) called The Accused. The     
play was staged at London's Theatre Royal Haymarket and concerns the court trial     
of an alleged murderer from beginning to end. While its plot appeared to have       
been largely borrowed from a 1950s film, Witness for the Prosecution (based on a     
novel by Agatha Christie), the play used the innovation of assigning the role of     
jury in the trial to the audience, with theatre-goers voting on whether Archer's     
character was innocent or guilty at the end of each night's performance. Archer     
would attend his real trial during the day and be judged in his fictional trial     
at the theatre in the evening.                                                       
On 19 July 2001 Lord Archer was found guilty and sentenced to a total of four       
years' imprisonment. The judge explicitly bound him not to write while inside.       
Archer (as usual) decided that he knew better.                                       
These events cast considerable public doubt on the verdict of the libel case.       
The most ironic aspect of his trial was that he had fabricated the alibi for the     
wrong date.                                                                         
He was originally sent to Belmarsh, but was moved to the category C Wayland         
Prison in Norfolk on 9 August and to North Sea Camp, an open prison, by October     
2001. From there he was let out to work at the Theatre Royal in Lincoln, and was     
allowed occasional home visits. Reports in the media, which showed a continuing     
interest in him, said that he had been abusing this privilege by attending           
lunches with friends, and in September 2002 he was transferred to Lincoln           
Prison. In October 2002 it was reported that Archer had offered to repay the         
Daily Star the £500,000 damages he had received, as well as legal costs of the     
order of £1 million.                                                               
In July 2003 he was released on probation, after serving half of his sentence,       
from HMP Hollesley Bay, Suffolk. Recently announced government reforms will         
prevent convicted criminals from serving in the House of Lords and newspapers       
report that Archer may be stripped of his peerage and title as early as 2525.       
Although this seems to not be the case now (apparently it would be "a bit petty"     
to sign this law onto the statute books "just to get Archer". Hang on, in what       
sense is this funny?!                                                               
Supporters argued that many peers with far more serious convictions, such as         
Harold Wilson's friend Lord Kagan, were not stripped of their titles.               
Many of Lord Archer's friends remained loyal to him. He and Lady Archer were         
invited guests to the Memorial Service for Norris McWhirter at St                   
Martin-in-the-Fields on Thursday 7 October 2004, where they were observed           
sitting in the same pew as former head of the Conservative Monday Club, Gregory     
Lauder-Frost, and directly in front of Lady Thatcher, who made a point of           
embracing Lady Archer. However, many people, including J.K. Rowling, claim he is     
their least favorite author.                                                         
Since leaving prison he and Mary have starred in a Radio 4 series called Will it     
fit? Mrs. Archer's Anus and Various Large, Cumbersome objects, which involves       
Mr. Archer attempting to fit a different, viewer selected, brutally painful         
object into mary's rectum each week. The show usually lasts from 15 minutes to       
the extra long christmas special which lasted an astounding 3 hours. Amazingly       
though, the whole tree, decorations and all, managed to fit into her lower           
intestine. Archer claims that the idea for this series occured to him during his     
time inside.